anxiety-depression-natural

I’ve written quite a bit about my experiences with post-partum depression (here, here, and here), and I’ve received quite a few emails and messages from readers who have had experiences with all forms of depression and anxiety symptoms. I’ve hesitated writing what I’ve been doing lately – I’m doing a lot better, but as anyone who has struggled with depression knows, I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for it all to go ‘bad’ again.

First, if you think you have some sort of depression, you should go talk to a doctor. I turned to google and researched the hell out of it before breaking down in tears at my doctor’s office when I couldn’t find a cure for myself. Why did I even go to the doctor? There was a point where I was constantly living in the ups and downs of emotional highs and lows. When I felt good, I felt great – life was great! Family was great! Nothing could go wrong! And then the next day I’d wake up and just not feel good, bickering with my husband, talking down to my loved ones, yelling at my children – I never was “suicidal”, I never wanted to cause physical pain to myself, but I would often think of how much happier my family would be without me. How they would be sad at first but they would survive without me. These weren’t good feelings to have, and I really couldn’t hold them in anymore.

Why did I wait so long to talk to a doctor? Because I didn’t want to be another statistic. Yet another person – another woman – on mood-altering drugs, on medication that is supposed to be temporary but ends up as a permanent way of life for people. I didn’t want to be “one of those”. But sometimes you can’t do it alone. Sometimes there are hormone imbalances at play and life becomes difficult. I know this now, and I know there is no shame in asking for help or admitting ‘defeat’. This is life. We can’t always do it all, nor should we. View Post

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pineapple

Summer went by in a fast blur, and it seems autumn has already fallen upon us, literally. It has been pouring for 4 days straight, monsoon-like rainfalls that stop for an hour or so at a time and then continue all night long. I really don’t mind the rain, but since we’ve moved into this tiny apartment it gets hard entertaining the children. They are literally bouncing off the walls all. the. time.

Our lease on our old place came up at the end of July, and because of construction delays, we aren’t able to move into our house (because there are no windows on it… or walls, or plumbing, or electrical…), so we’ve rented a tiny apartment of 750 sq ft. I realise that’s not SO tiny, I realise there are smaller places in the world and that we are lucky to have a roof over our heads… but squeeze a family of four into a one-bedroom plus den apartment, (we sleep in the den, which doesn’t have doors) and the kids share the master bedroom, and suddenly you start to understand how sardines feel in their tin cans.

To combat the feeling that this space is too small for us, which it really isn’t, only we’ve grown accustomed to a larger space, we’ve left most of our items in storage. I’m slowly going through the boxes in our storage unit to find more fall-appropriate clothing, but the kids toys will be limited and they will be allowed to ‘swap’ them occasionally, the only kitchen appliance I have is my Breville Keurig coffee brewer (which I absolutely adore!) and it works as a kettle for hot water as well.

The less stuff you have, the more room you have.

I am turning that line into my new mantra.

Living in this tiny apartment is a good exercise in ‘minimal living’, where keeping clutter under control is a never ending chore.

I am looking forward to the next couple of months living here, seeing what stories come about, what my children learn from ‘downsizing’, and eventually moving into our own-built home.

How has your summer been? Anything new?

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Depression

Depression is such a boring topic. It’s not even an accurate descriptive of my feelings. I am not sad. I don’t have the “baby blues”. I’m just stuck inside of a bucket deep in a well of my own making, there are times when the bucket rises and I can see blue skies and butterflies and then other times the rope seems to slip and I delve deeper into this dark pit of nothingness.

The horrible part of all of this is that I KNOW THIS IS HAPPENING. And I can’t seem to pull myself out of it. I shake my head at myself in constant amazement that I cannot seem to “level” myself out.

A big problem for me lately is my anti-social behaviour.

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chanel & holland

The past year has been a hard one for our whole family, but not in a seriously horrible way. I had a baby, I went through depression, we’ve been frustrated living in our “temporary” home while waiting for our house to be finished, and my daughter had her own worries. My beautiful daughter, Chanel, who just finished first grade, went through a lot of things this school year.

First she adjusted to having a younger brother, which seemed great but there were jealousy problems here and there, just as I would expect there to be. Her teacher was new to teaching young children and none of us were big fans of hers, even to the point where I considered switching schools to get away from her. In the end we decided that even if we switch schools, we might run into another teacher that we didn’t like. And then main source of her problems with this teacher was her hearing.

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There are some days that I want to do nothing at all. Being a mother & wife, laundry & cooking still take part of this equation (don’t most people still need to do these things?), but it’s after 2 pm and I’m sitting here in my PJs watching Maka Paka dance around on the screen while baby #2 causes destruction in our living/dining/kitchen room. Whoever thought open living spaces were the bomb didn’t have children yet.

I sit and contemplate having some wine. I think, I should put baby down for a nap and then shower and rejoin society dressed in clean, nice smelling clothes. But then I have to wait for my favourite pair of yoga pants to finish drying.
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chin up buttercup

Recently I posted about my difficulties with post-partum depression, and how I’ve been slowly dealing with it. I received some really nice comments and emails from it, and I’m so grateful to you guys for reaching out.

I finally feel like the fog I’ve lived in for the past year or so is finally clearing. Activities and events don’t fill me with dread and panic so much any more. I am finding myself interested in new things, excited about biking and jogging and cross-stitching and things I would have shrugged my shoulders to in the past.

This is a huge relief to me, but with that feeling also comes the fear that it will come back all too soon.

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Go Run

Life can be so funny sometimes. I started off this year wanting to really pull myself together again, live the life I had always imagined. Together my husband and I started to slowly eat better, in March we actually quit alcohol for the month  and were eating healthy foods about 90% of the time (a girl still needs her emergency chocolate!). I was so motivated to get this healthy goal of mine going.

But in April, my motivation started to wane. We started to have more and more “cheat” nights, started ordering pizza again, and by May we were back to our weekend food binges, Tuesday night pizza, wine on a Thursday (because why not?), etc, etc. I realised that the 12 pounds I lost in March had all crept back on.

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