I haven’t taken care of myself in a long, long time. That’s not to say that I don’t allow myself to indulge in a fancy macaron or that I don’t do my hair or my nails – no, it’s that I haven’t truly cared for my health and, in turn, my self. I’ve learnt the hard way the term “self-love” is not the same as “self-care”, and telling yourself that you’re beautiful the way you are doesn’t necessarily help when the way you are is overweight and unhealthy.
I’ve been living in denial, to put it bluntly. My house of cards has just blown over and I’m left with the ruins of my health. I didn’t need to hear that I was beautiful the way I was, I didn’t need to hear that my self-worth isn’t dictated by a number on a scale – I know all of this. It’s just hard to accept the truth about my weight when the lies were exactly what I wanted to hear.
I wanted to think I was healthy by adding an avocado to a taco, which was accompanied by beer and chips. I wanted to think I was being sassy by getting rid of my scale and not living life according to how much I weigh. I was kidding myself. I was lying to myself. Self-love and acceptance wasn’t helping me lose weight or get healthy.
I needed perspective. I needed to confront the reality of my bulging situation – clothes that haven’t fit in a long, long time, a body that feels more mushy than muscle, a tired, stressed out mind of a women, who would rather trick herself with indulgences like dinners out and craft beer tastings than exercise and food diaries.
A large part of this, I see now, is that I still have such a hard time with really putting myself first and taking care of myself and my health. I sometimes feel like I’m pushing my family aside if I focus on myself. That they will somehow be wronged and feel upset because I’m taking care of myself first. Even writing this, I’m not fully convinced that putting myself first is the right thing to do. But I know that it’s something I have to, for my health and for my happiness.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my “theme” or my “word” for 2015 – have you ever done this? I read about it everywhere, that choosing a word to describe what you want this year and what you’re working for helps keep you focused and motivated.
My theme for 2015 is self-care.
“Self-care includes any intentional actions you take to care for your physical, mental, and emotional health” (source). I feel like these three aspects are so intertwined, and I’ve really lacked in providing any physical care for myself – it’s challenging for me. While I may take care of myself mentally and emotionally, when my physical health suffers, I get upset and anxious.
My weight holds me back from doing so many things. It brings down my confidence, adds to my social anxiety, and although I’m not ecstatic about staying at home all the time, eating and drinking my evenings away in front of the tv seems a better option that attempting to look good and go out and interact with people.
My body’s changed, my mind has changed, it’s time to face up to the fact that I need to do something for myself, and for my health. And not just preach about it, not just blog about it, and tell my family and friends, and then eat healthy for a couple of days and give up.
I am excited to join a 40 Pounds in 40 Days Weight Loss Program, courtesy of the Polo Health & Longevity Centre in New Westminster, BC, and Dr. Allana Polo, herself. That’s right! 40 pounds in 40 days – well, not quite. Men can easily achieve that, while most women on the program lose between 20-30 pounds in those 40 days, which is still quite the feat!
I’ll be posting my progress on the blog, and you can follow me along my weightless journey on instagram, twitter and Facebook, where I’ll be using the hashtag #PoloWeightLoss! For more information on the program, go to the official site of Polo Health, and their Facebook and Twitter pages for news and info.
Also check out 99 Ways to Practice Self Care: